Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
