I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
