I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
