Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
