I hate your face
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
