Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
