I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We need to rekindle our bromance
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
