Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
