You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
