Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My dick has a subreddit
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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