God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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