I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
