You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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