If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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