We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
