i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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