Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
