Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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