Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
