Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
