I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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