I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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