time to smoke my breakfast
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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