I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
