Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
