Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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