I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
