oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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