I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I came so hard my ears popped.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
