so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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