Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
