We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
