Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
