he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
