another moral hangover. fuck.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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