i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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