Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
