I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
