i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
