I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.