haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
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She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.