im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
