Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
