Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
