I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Boobs are out for the taking
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
