I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
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I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
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Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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