Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
