Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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