Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
