im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
not ubering you a puppy
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
