Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
