WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
