when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
