If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
