If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
