why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
