So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
