You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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