Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
